Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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