also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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