you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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