I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
