Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
This house was built for laser tag.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
