Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i drank out of a bidet.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
