Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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