I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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