I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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