She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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