The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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