It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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