Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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