By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
