Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
