even my farts smell like vagina
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
