On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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