my room smells like sperm. sweet.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
