No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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