my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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