My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
