help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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