hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
