He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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