Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
