Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
