if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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