i think i scared a bird with my dick
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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