I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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