I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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