Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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