aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
