you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize