Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
