I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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