Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
