cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We got so high we made milksteak
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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