I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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