I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
