Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
my being single is dangerous.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
