dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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