So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
