I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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