Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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