Little spoons don't ask big questions
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
