i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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