After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
