I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
