wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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