thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
