He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
